FIRST NIGHT....OR LAST NIGHT????

Why do they call New Years first night in certain parts of the country? I never got that. It should be called last night. It is, however, the last night of the year. I guess it must be some sick marketing thing.

I am, as like many other, probably going to party on the "last night"

I personally have a set of standard do's and don't's for New Year. Feel free to follow them or hell have your own rules. What the fuck do I care.

First the DO'S

1. Have a decent meal before drinking alcohol. Nothing worse than someone who passes out at 10:00pm. Of course there has to be one to make fun of.
2. Stick with whatever alcohol you normally drink. This is not the night to see if you like Jack Daniels. Trust me!
3. Wear comfortable clothing, but it must flow with the evening. If you are going some place fancy here you are screwed. I mean comfortable like can you wake up the next morning in?
4. Have transportation lined up in advanced. No matter where you live in the whole world it is almost impossible to get a cab on New Years.
5. Have a good time. Enjoy it to the fullest extent. Why? Because 2007 might really suck for you.
6. Have someone to kiss after the ball drops. If not you will be one of the people who didn't and start drowning your sorrows in booze. (I swear that is important trust me)
7. If by chance you get lucky enough to have sloppy drunk sex ALWAYS use protection. (like for instance brown bag, blind fold, oh and condoms)


Now for the DON'T'S

1. Do not drink and drive. That is just dumb. Plus you will have more fun getting drunk than being stuck in a jail cell having to call your mommy.
2. Do not be caught at midnight next to some homely person that is looking for that New Years smooch. You will kiss them but then your friends will make fun of you.
3. Do not drunk dial people after midnight and scream into the phone "HAPPY NEW YEAR". I am pretty sure they know it is after midnight. And come on Grandma has to get up early.
4. Do not eat any Italian food prior to getting hammered all night. It may taste good going down but coming up is a whole different story.
5. Do not try to sing “Auld Lang Syne" you do not know the words NO one really knows the words.
6. Do not pass out where ever you want. Especially outside. Some parts of this country are cold that time of year. And you are not a bum so somehow make it home.


These are just a few of the guidelines that I follow. I am sure that you all have your own rules.

One rule that should be minded by all is

Have fun and be safe.

Have a Happy New Year all and do not drink and drive just drink!

LITTLE BY LITTLE

As most of you know that on December 22nd it was the first day of winter. Most of the time that does no please me.

Not at all!

But I have put a sort of positive spin on that. For people like me that work at night, this is almost a blessing.

See on the first day of winter we gain back a minute of daylight each day. A minute may not seem like much but for someone who does not see the sun a whole lot that is a lot. So maybe by March I can see some sun.

See when I go to work....it is dark.
When I come home......it is dark.

Quite depressing. Never see sunlight for like 4-5 days straight.

So that you Winter Solstice I will embrace you. Well at least at this very moment.
I hate the Summer Solstice because that means we are losing a minute a day and that winter is coming.

I never thought I would actually think so deep on this subject. I must stop now my head hurts.

FINALLY IT IS OVER

I hope all out there had a real nice Holiday. I know I did. I will probably still have this hangover when New Years rolls around.

To sum up my holiday experience it goes like this......

Beer, opened a gift and it was socks, ate food, another beer, opened a gift and again socks, ate more food, watched Christmas Story, beer, opened a gift this time long underwear, beer, nap, more food, more beer, more socks, more crap that I did not need and or want, beer, ate more food, beer.

Pretty much sums it up.

New Years should be good. I just hate having to make a resolution and have to break it 15 minutes in the New Year.

Gives me no sense of accomplishment. I don't know how that is any different from day to day but that is cool

outta.....here

MERRY CHRISTMAS

bitches

TIS THE SEASON ---- WRAP UP

It is almost over. This Holiday season. I for one am almost relieved. I mean toooo much shit to do. Why do we stress the fuck out over this shit every year. Not worth it.

No matter how much shit you buy how many damn presents are wrapped. You always forget someone. I say fuck it that is why god invented 24 hour gas stations, scratch off tickets and gift cards.

Here is MY 12 Days of Christmas:

On the 12th day of Christmas my not so true love gave to me...............

12...hundred times I called FedX to see where my package was
11...people in front of me at the post office
10..relatives that always hate what I get them
9....obscene gestures in the parking lot at the mall
8....cardboard tubes that the cats attacks
7....ways to tie a ribbon
6....curse words I use often!
5....months of credit card bills
4....paper cuts from wrapping
3....tooo many tequila shots at the Christmas Party....oops
2....many people everywhere
1....stop to the liquor store


Merry Christmas bitches!

ps. I would love to thank that local charity that has decided to earn money by having Valet Parking at the mall. I do not even care if you crashed the car. I just hate finding a spot.

THE HOLIDAY PINCH.....NOT IN A GOOD WAY

Get it together people it is crunch time. There is like 5 days left to finish up all you fucking shopping. So stop fucking around.

It is time to stress out, spend all your money, drive for hour to get a parking space, and hope that all the efforts that you made will be worth it.

The ungrateful that you buy presents for might give you the "LOOK" you know the one that you make when you receive pj's from Aunt Helen. See if you just told Aunt Helen you sleep naked then she might stop buying you old lady Pj's.

I just say fuck all that and buy everyone Booze as presents. Spend enough at the Liquor store and they will give you free gift bags. One stop shop. Hell yeah!

So get off you ass and get out there, fight the crowds and spend all your money, I am sure Baby Jesus would approve.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

I have been thinking lately about shit that people talk about. I actually listen to what they say and then wonder where they get off. I mean they are all just like me. Working and doing whatever so what makes them better.

People sometimes try to make themselves out better than they really are. I mean everyone is human no better than anyone else.

For example when you ask someone what they do for a living and they come out with this huge job title for something simple like cashier......that means that they graduated High School, never went to college but they are smart enough to count money and make up fancy words for their job.

Someone that says they are a in computers are probably in data entry of some sort. They did not finish college could not find a job then the bills rolled in.

Someone that says they are in Human resources typically they have a 4 year college degree in either......psychology, art, communications, or English. Not to knock it but. Just a few more years and you could of wasted time and money on a Masters that might of made you VP of human resources.

Hey I am there too....fuck it!

I also can't stand it when these people with their degrees throw it around like it is a license to prove me wrong. I mean hey you may have a 4 year degree in being a douche bag of psychology. but you work for a medical supply company. What the fuck!

I have a 4 year degree. I am not putting down education. I on the other hand do not let everyone I run into that I am a fucking slacker in college. Got my Bachelors degree in finance and did absolutely nothing with it. Do you think I want people to know that.....fuck no.

So I am just content that I wasted 50 grand(all paid off after 8 years) on college. It was the experience that I loved. I could care less that I work for this medical company.

So I want to let everyone out there with you 4 year degree.......congrats, email me I might just send you a stamp to mail in your student loan payment. I know with that Bachelors and working for a telemarketing firm, times might be tough.

whatever!

******update

I read this after I published it can't you tell some person I work with that thinks her shit does not stink pissed me off about being smarter than me. If not you can now. The best part is I proved her wrong. So I am really wondering why this post is so bitter.

TIS THE SEASON PART 2

Here we are again in the festive month of the year for many. But there is one thing that always bothers me around this holiday and that is what to get for people.

I say no presents for anyone. But you can't so you fucking stress the fuck out over what to get who and weather you should go to this store or that store. Credit card or cash. Paper or fucking plastic.

That could be another good reason as why people get hammered so much this time of year.

I have a great solution to all this stress. It is a miracle, it is wonderful it is practical it is grand.

It is RE-GIFTING

The greatest idea ever. Well maybe not for the economy but for mental health perfect for me.
For re-gifting virgins out there. Re-gifting is the ART of taking all the fucked up crap that someone has given you over the years and giving it to someone else.

I call it an art due to the fact you just can't pick up some overly scratched ENYA CD and wrap it up and put a bow on it. Might of worked at 5 but not now. That is why all presents that are given to me that have absolutely no real practical value to me get put in a box in the closet.

When I am going to a Christmas party and ..... oops I forgot to pick up something for so and so. Go to the Box. When I forgot Secret Santa at work.......go to the box. When my boyfriends mother all of a sudden shows up on Christmas Eve......go to the box.

Saved my ass a million times.

For some not so savvy as to have that magic box.....(hehe) I have a list of bad re-gifters and a few tips:

1. Any already worn clothing.......with stains on it.
2. Used sex toys......if you do not still have the box it is yours for life
3. Do not give someone the same gift as they gave you last year....makes for some shit.
4. Canned goods.....especially corn
5. When presenting a regifted present in a gift bag. Make sure the tag on it does not have your name on it. Dead giveaway
6. Expired movie tickets....you can never get away with the excuse "that is how they sold it to me"
7. Bath gift baskets and you know the person lives in a small apartment with a stall shower.
8. Never give candy to someone that is a diabetic....unless you like to see someone slip in to insulin shock right in front of you.
9. Shoes that you never worn to someone with feet 3 sizes larger....dead giveaway
10. A book is a good gift but make sure that person can read.

So there are a few tips that might help you round out you re-gifter shopping list.

Remember it is not a sin to re-gift it is a sin to be a shitty re-gifter.

I have been recipient of some real bad gifts through the years. So this is pay back.

I have a had a fruit cake that some one gave me in a Secret Santa 3 years ago. Obviously that person forgot about Secret Santa. Big fuck. But who gives any one a Fruit Cake. It has been in the trunk of my car. I will be giving that to I believe my boyfriend's mother if she arrives UN planned this year.......do not fuck with people during the holidays it can be bad very bad.

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS OLD MAN

Today was like 45 degrees. May not seem like much to most but for Upstate New York on fucking December 12th. That is the shit.

The weather man said......"old man winter is up in Canada" ....."could come down anytime"

Hum funny I do not remember inviting him down.

So I say to old man winter..................STAY THE FUCK UP THERE. I do not want you here.

Sorry for all the cold ass people in Canada. But hey you live there and you know old man winter is a bastard.

I might be the only one that actually would not mind a little global warning. At least during the months of December through February.

Sue me Al Gore!!!!!!!!!!

TIS THE SEASON

This time a year conjures up all sorts of good feelings and shit like that. We have family and friends all around us. Every one feels great. Happy smiling, laughing, singing, dancing and even loving.

You know why? Well could be a number of reasons. The Birth of Jesus in a manger, Chanakua..(I think that has something to do with a light and 8 days)

Another reason could be that you have all the loved ones around you. Maybe presents float your boat. (greedy little shit). Maybe you like the snow and below zero temps. (crazy fucker)

All those reasons are real good reasons but I have the ultimate reason that people are so happy around the Holidays........BOOZE and LOTS of IT

See smiling.......1 drink
See singing.......2 drinks
See dancing......3 drinks
Loving...............4+ drinks

I have no problem believing this to be true. I have probably proven this fact time and time again.

People say that some might be depressed around the Holiday's. They probably are, I will not make light of that. But the majority of people are drunk as a skunk and happy as hell. Well until the next morning.

So why we all settle in for a nice holiday season remember these few little tips:

1. Snowbanks make great make-shift coolers.
2. Do Not give uncle Tim more than 3 drinks because then he tries to start a fight.
3. Do not drink and drive, fall asleep in the drivers seat while warming up the car.
4. When getting drunk at company Christmas party....please try to refrain from any making out with Pete from the temp service. Also this is probably not the place to break dance.
5. Try not to take anyone you work with home. Just makes shit awkward.
6. No Double Fisted at any party. Have some restraint.
7. Do not get hammered and cry at the Company Christmas party. They will talk about you for a while
8. When making egg nog...use more Nog than egg. People will love it
9. Secret Santa should be avoided at all cost. What a stupid thing.....whole other post
10. If that hot dude from upstairs is dressed as Santa feel free to have a seat and tell him allllll the things you want for Chritmas.

So these are a few of my rules, I follow some of them. Any way I am sure you have some of your own. But when we get drinking I probably could not remember any of these except 10. Yeah I totally would remember 10. So be careful and keep advil and water near by. Have Fun

peace

I LIKE A GOOD PARTY!

I of all people love a good party. I like the socializing, the boozing, the dancing what have you.

There are a few parties that I try to avoid at all costs. Some I can't some, I have to go to.

Party type #1....Pampered Chef, I hate these parties. No booze, no dancing, no socializing unless it is about the new hand blender that I could buy. Yeah fuck that, I would have to sell a kidney to buy an over priced spoon from them.

Party type #2....Candle parties, yeah I know it could of gone with the Pampered Chef one but it is not. Candle parties are a complete waste of time. To me most candles are the same. OK different colors, different smells, oh fuck that one has 3 wicks, as opposed to the 1 that I am used to. Where have I been, a candle with 3 wicks must be better than a candle with 1 wick. It must be much more technically advanced. Fuck that it is a candle.

Party type #3....A 1 year old birthday. Do not get me wrong I like kids. But if you are not the Parents you will not enjoy this. I am pretty sure that the 1 year old does not even know what the fuck is going on. Plus I never know what to buy for a 1 year old.

Party type #4....A 100Th birthday. Almost the same as the 1 year old, both have to do with no memory of the occasion, diapers and some drooling. But these typically have booze.

Party type #5.....The Company Christmas Party. I hate these the most. First of all I really do not like 75% of my co workers. The 25% I do are probably not going. The 75% that are, I probably should not drink around. Might be some words ya know. If there is dancing it is your boss that dances like the worst of all white bald dudes. And when you see Amy the 300lb receptionist doing the electric slide. Time to go.

So when all of you out there, like me, are forced to go to the Christmas party for your company this year. Remember I will probably be getting drunk in the corner with the janitor.

Tis the Season To Problem Drink

ONE HIT WONDERS

I was sitting here listening to the radio. Now tonight they are playing a series of songs that I have not heard in years.

Mostly one hit wonders....you know when a band gets 1 big hit then blows all there money on houses and drugs. Then come to today and they are probably some computer programmer living in the Florida Keys.

I have decided to list 10 of my favorite and 10 of my least favorite one hit wonders of the woderful decade on the 90's.


10 ONE HIT WONDERS THAT I SECRETLY SING IN THE CAR OR SHOWER

1. "Groove is in the Heart".....Deee-Lite ca.1990 (I will not even secretly sing this one)
2. "Naked Eye"......Liscious Jackson ca. 1997 (I even owned the CD)
3. "Bitch".......Meredith Brooks ca. 1997 (never said I was proud of this)
4. "Bitter Sweet Symphony".........The Verve ca. 1998
5. "Hippychick".....SOHO ca. 1990
6. "I Touch Myself".....the Divinyls ca. 1990 (bullshit you know you do to)
7. "Jump Around"........House of Pain ca. 1992
8. "Supermodel (you better work)........RuPaul ca. 1993 (got to love tranny music)
9. "No Rain".......Blind Melon ca. 1993 (band would of been awesone if the lead singer did not die)
10. "Three Little Pigs".....Green Jelly ca. 1993 (They were called Green Jello but Bill Cosby got mad)

10 ONE HIT WONDERS THAT MAKE ME WONDER HOW THEY WERE A HIT

1. "Breakfast at Tiffianys"....Deep Blue Something ca. 1995
2. "I'm Gonna (500 Miles)....The Proclaimers ca. 1993 (real ugly twins)
3. "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"....Crash Test Dummies ca. 1994
4. "How Bizarre"....OMC ca. 1997
5. "Closing Time"....Semisonic ca. 1998
6. "Mambo No. 5".....Lou Bega ca. 1999
7. "Nothing Compares 2u"....Sinead O'Connor ca. 1990
8. "Just a Friend"........Biz Markie ca. 1990
9. "Wiggle It"......2 in a Room ca. 1990
10. "Pop Goes the Weasel"......Third Base ca. 1991

Just shows that all these songs are kind of sucky. If you look per decade can we really tell when music got shitty. Thank got for Pearl Jam and Alice and Chains they got me though my senior year in High School.

You know there are a few missing here. Not sure where it would go but "Stay" by Lisa Loed should be up there some where.

peace

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JUDD NELSON

Just a quick comment on the whole Brit Pack thing. You know Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton tearing up the town in Hollywood.

I just want to know where Britney's kids are. I am sure they are well taken car of but come on the baby is like 3 months old.

Plus I want to add one thing.....

There is a time and a place for no underwear wearing. I could care less if it is all the time or never. That is a personal preference. But you do not going around flashing it to cameras. If I saw that in real life I would of probably puke at the fact that Paris showed her suzie.

Gross........dudes probably did not mind one bit.

Paris is a bad influence. I thought Lindsay and Paris hated each other. Fuck I can not keep up.

What do they all have in common besides being slutty celebrities.

Paris comes from money, Britney comes from the trailer park and Lindsey came from some freakish test tube experiment gone wrong. Plus that Lindsay Lohan has one nasty attitude. That I can admire though.

Lindsay and Paris probably have banged 90% of the West coast. Britney banged Justin Timeberlake

So please Britney go home take care of you babies. I am sure that they miss you at the trailer park anyway. Paris do something productive for Christs sake. Lindsay do NOT do another move please. Party all the time with no underwear on. That will keep you off the big screen.

I want to also let them know that 3 whorish bitches can never replace what I know as the one and only BRAT PACK

I would of totally hung out with that crowd.