OOPS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

I have done it I have single handedly committed the crime of the century. I am the most horrible person ever. I may never forgive myself. Yeah fucking right!

I have killed many things while driving in my car, no not people. But I have managed to kill a few squirrels, numerous amounts of chipmunks and 1 deer with bad luck.

Now before you call PETA stop. I never meant to do these things, squirrels and chipmunks take a chance crossing the road and every time I am near it was probably the wrong time to go for it. As for the deer I totaled a car hitting that fucker so the deer and I are even.

This is something that I may never be able to forget, I probably wont be allowed to forget.

I killed a lawn gnome



It really was not my fault, I swear.

I was backing out of my drive way trying to go to work and the crazy old lady across the street was in her yard. She has one of those yard with all this stuff in it. Like way tooo much stuff. Well she has a series of lawn gnomes there.


So I was backing out and the neighbor on the other side (an nice little hottie with his shirt off mowing the lawn) waved hello. I of course waved back, distracted as I was I ran up on her curd and killed a fucking gnome.

Big deal right.......Wrong.

This lady was so upset and almost on the brink of tears. I would of thought it was one of her kids the way she was fucking carrying on.

I should of just taken off. I mean a fucked up looking lawn thing. I don't care must of cost her like 10 bucks.

Instead as a good neighbor I got out of the car and apologized. Finished, story over now I can go to work...........fuck that!

She wanted me to pay for it . I said ok whatever, then she proceeded to tell me it cost 50 dollars. No way I have a hard time believing that. 50 dollars for something the devil himself put on earth. I mean what purpose do fucking lawn gnomes have.........

So I was like no way 20 bucks, she said no and call the fucking police. I got so pissed I wanted to break all the gnomes. Why call the police over a stupid statue.....Oh yeah right she is crazy.

She called the cops on me once because I had my sprinklers on and then we got a down pour so they were on during the rain. By the time I got out there to turn them off she was screaming that she called the cops for wasting water, 2 seconds later it stopped raining.

So I had to fucking wait while an officer responded to a property damage call.....

I love this part, the officer was a dude I used to date in High School, he is the one that I first had sex with at 17 years old after the prom.....I know how cliche.

So I see him and he knows that she is a bit crazy. So I promised to pay 50 bucks. I then proceeded to pick up the pieces of the gnome off the ground and she freaked out and said that I could not have them.

I then explained to her that I paid 50 dollars for it and that I was taking the broken pieces of ceramic.

So here is my plan to piece the gnome back together and proudly display my fucked up broken ass gnome right In the front of my house. I am going to get back at her somehow.

50 bucks that is a lot I want to see the blue book value.

by the way the officer that showed up him and I drinks Friday night. Like prom night all over again whooooohooooooo.

and just like a dress on prom night I am off