"EXCUSE ME ARE YOU COPS?" ....."NO MAM, WERE MUSICIANS"

Well the inevitable has come. Yes, I am back to work tonight. Just in time too. I was about to admit myself to some rehab. Also it is hotter than a mother here this week. For once I will not complain about the meat locker that this office is at like 3am.

My air conditioner at home pales in comparisons to this artic blaster. FUCK yeah free air conditioning.

Getting back to work after all that fun, not to say I wanted to rush back to work. But after you work day in and day out then you go on vacation, there is no routine. I must be a little ocd because I missed my routine.

Plus I do not think I could drink 1 more beer. I mean fuck me I can't believe those words came out of my mouth. Shhhhh......don't tell a soul.

I love my brother to death but he made me listen to "The Blues Brother" soundtrack like 50 times. It really is a good soundtrack, especially for movies made back then. I did not even know they still sold that soundtrack. But enough is enough. Well I wont have to hear that for at least another year.

So I am back to work beating the heat. Watching the stupid ass weather man tell me that it is hot out. NO FUCK I thought I was running a fever. I hate when people state the obvious. Like in the winter......."It is cold out" no shit fucker it is January.

It's snowing. Oh really I thought I was trapped in a snow globe. I also hate the people that are sooooo bothered by heat that is all they fucking talk about. Then when they are lucky enough to get a slight breeze it is like orgasmic to them.

I mean come on we live where it gets fucking hot in August and fucking cold in January. Deal with it.

Wow that was a tangent.

All right I going to have a smoke then back to work...........

PS. that condom wrapper is still out front.....I work with a bunch of assholes

2 MORE 2 GO

2 more days on my vacation and what do I have to show for all these days off.

Well I have been having a fucking blast. I mean party central all around.

I have almost no voice from being drunk, yelling, and chain smoking for the past 5 days. My apartment is trashed. I have not eaten 1 sensible meal since a week ago Thursday.

I believe I got an honorable mention at the beer store for being there everyday with my brother. BEEEEEERRRRRR.

I fucking love being on vacation.

SO FAR SO GOOD

I just want to say there is a time and a place for things. I was at the Phillies game on Monday night and I was plagued by idiots all around me on their cell phones.

I was just wondering why someone would pay 40$ a ticket to sit in a seat and talk to their buddies. Now the even stranger part is that we were on the left side right near 3rd base.

Foul ball come at you very very fast and often.

So to the kid on the cell phone when that line drive came ad hit you in the knee.......HAHAHAHAHA

If you had your hands free maybe you would of caught the ball. I heard it hit your knee It must if fucking killed. And some one else ended up with the ball....hahaha

Then while back in town, here's to the kids with the 15, 30 packs of Keystone at the track. I wonder how you did it. Shot gunning warm beer...fuck that. Puking all over. HAHAHAHA

I will say that it was entertaining. And to the guy collecting the cans, props to you for taking the cans out of the garbarage after the dude was puking in it. FUCK THAT

So far my vacation is going quite smooth. I can't believe that I have seen so much in such a short time.

I THINK THAT IS KOJO PLAYING CATCHER

I was sitting here thinking about baseball players and teams in general. I was thinking about how certain teams are like Mets are like scrapers and they to me are not debutante's like the Yankees.

As I came to this useless conclusion I was thinking about the Yankees. See I hate the Yankees so I never think about them.

But I came up that the NY Yankees ball team is gay. Not just one individual player the whole team.

They wear pin stripes
If you saw the Wednesdays issue of the NY Post you would see a very gay picture of A-Rod. They have a player named A-rod.
They are by most part all pretty men. No real ugly men except Matsui.
The owner is a creepy molester type old man.
The bat boys always have dirty knees on their uniforms and they sit on stools and don't really do much to get dirty.
They whole bat as a phallic symbol.
I think I saw Jeter on TV wearing shorts that said "bootylicious"
The whole grabbing, adjusting thing. When done alone OK with help not OK


Now you can say that all of baseball has the same things. But I will say this The Yankees seem to do all of this while "sucking" in the field and at the plate.

well that is enough of my sports commentary, I am sorry I will never let it happen again

LATER GATOR

I will be out of here tomorrow. Traveling to Philly on Saturday then back home sometime next week. Cause guess what mother fuckers I am on VACATION!!!!!!

10 days off what a freaking deal!!!

I need this vacation. I may not do much at work but I am here 12+ hours a day. So not having to be up all night trying to find stuff to do is all I need.

The only thing I am kind of worrying about is the traveling. I hate to fly so I am taking the train. If anyone has ever taken the train into NYC they will back me up when I tell you that going through those old ass dark creepy tunnels under the city makes me nervous.

But I do it. Oh how I will love my 40 minute wait in Penn Station. Oh wait they have a bar no problem.

I usually have to go to ground level to smoke a cigarette and makes me think of the years I used to live and work down there.

So fucking fast paced I am a lot more mellow now. I live where they have trees and grass. Not that I don't love NYC I really do but I need to live up north of there and I am happy. Anyway I think the fucks from New Jersey followed me up there.

Well anyway I am headed to Philadelphia. I will be at a Phillies game with my brother on Monday night.

I know, I know. The Phillies, well I am a Mets fan but the bro does not have season tickets to the Mets so fuck it's free. Even though the beers cost like 7 dollars each. I buy them.

I want to make clear that I am not a new mets fan, just because they are winning, I have been a Mets fan since I was a little kid and this is the first season that has not made me cry in a few years.
************************************************************************************

On a different note FUCK Hezbollah, have we not forgot in 1989 when they killed 240 Marines when they bombed a base. I hope Israel kick their ass.

Ok I have to get back to work

WANTED: IDIOT......POSITIONS: 1

I really sometimes hate my job. If anyone cares my job consists of getting yelled at, at 1am by people that barely can speak english.

That sometimes can wear on the nerves.

I know that in life we have to work, and that work is sometimes not fun. But come on give me a break.

I never yell at people who do their job. For instance like at the coffee shop if they made your
eggs wrong, you don't flip out like a maniac and yell. No you send the fucking eggs back and get new eggs.

Well at my job if the barely speaking english people are not happy I get verbably abused.

I am a tough person normally so most of the time I just shrug it off but I mean you can't shrug it off all of the time.

I do a few things when they are mad that makes them even angrier. It makes me a little happier.

1. When they are in the midst of a rant I say "please hold"

2. When they talk some times they are hard to understand. Language barrier and all. Well I make them repeat every 3rd word. They feel that they are totally understadable. (Most of the time yeah but I have to do something becaseu I can not tell them to shut the fuck up)

3. I have been known to say, the connection is bad I will call you back. Then call back like 40 minutes later. (I pray they have calmed down, as well as me)

4. Holding the phone out away from the ear during a rant. Then I miss what the say and make them repeat it.

5. I give them the finger through the phone and mouth fuck you, stupid bitch etc. I do this the most of all

6. Run the shredder while on the phone because of course it is allowed and then I can't hear them yell.

7. Draw a picture of the person the other end usually with my foot up their ass


Well it is my fault for having this job but oh well the money is awesome. So remember when talking on the phone to someone It might be me and I am not paying 1 bit of attention. So don't yell.

Fuck customer service. These people make you a hard core asshole sometimes. I always give them what they want so I am not sure what they have to be so fucking miserable for.

I want to tell them go get laid and leave me alone.

Alright now I can get back to work. I got that off my chest.

ps. still have no owner for the condom wrapper

DEBAUCHERY AND I AM ALWAYS THE LAST TO FIND OUT

I was at work tonight (surprise, surprise) and I went to go to the ladies room. With out going in to detail I was drying my hands off and getting ready to throw the paper towel in the garbarage and what do I see.........

A fucking empty condom wrapper. In the ladies room at work. Not like I work in a whore house and this is common practice. I work in a medical supply facility. That shit is no the norm.

As shocked as I was, I ran to the person sitting in the next cubicle and told her what I had seen. We laughed picked out a few people that their DNA might link them to the wrapper. And then I went on with my night. Well about 2 hours later after everyone is gone and I went outside for a cigarette.

I went to tie my shoe and there near the ashtray right in front of the front door.

Yep you got it. Another blue Trojan wrapper just like the ones in the ladies room. I was like no fucking way. This can't be. Being the good employee that I am you would think I would of cleaned it up because after all It was right there to the right of the front door.

Fuck that I have no clue what type of herpes ridden fool would of had sex all over work.

I mean I have no Idea how someone pulled this off. Everyday there is always more than one person here. The only time that there is 1 person here It is either me on the weekdays or some other chick on the weekends.

I know it is not mine, and if it was I would of combed the crime scene for any trace of any acts performed in the ladies room or in front of the building.

So now I can point to one person but I can't see her doing that, but Again evidence would point to either her or me. Well I have evidence that I was not there since Friday night. I only wish I had that kind of luck.

So maybe the weekend-overnighter is putting in some overtime. Fuck, she has sex while at work and all I do is smoke too many cigarettes and sometimes write an entry for this blog.

I really do not live an exciting life.

ps. I state for the record I never had sex at any job that I ever had. After work but never AT work

OLD SCHOOL

It has come to my attention lately that I am old school. I do not have the latest electronics, hell I just bought a DVD player last fall because the Movie store stopped renting VHS. As for the computer I am so so. It took me like and hour to set up this blog and that should of taken me like 10 minutes.

I jump from blog to blog sometimes (mostly out of boredom, work is so exciting) I see all these fancy blogs with their fancy colors and I wonder how the Fuck do they do that. I can't even put a blog roll on. This is the best it gets. Unless I find some 12 year old kid that want to earn 5 bucks and mack out this blog.

So to all the people with their fancy pages and all the cool colors and links good for you, as for people like me that have no clue what the fuck we are doing....................OLD SCHOOL RULES

Later

ps. I am supposed to be working so that I can buy beer I really have no time while at work to do all of this. Contrary to popular belief I actually do get something done while at work as much as I don't like it

I THOUGHT THAT THE METRIC SYSTEM WAS COMPLICATED

This is a traffic circle. I believe the fuckign stupidest thing ever created. In America anyway.

Well near where I live these are popping up all over. I am all for improvements in infrastructure but fuck these things are complicated. They were really built for people that drive on the other fucking side of the road like many European countries. But in The USA we drive on the right side of the road. So making a structure that favors the drive in the left lane is completely backwards.

Ok they tried to force the metric system on us we were having no part of that. So now they are doing this. It is all well and good but again I will say it we drive on the FUCKING RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD.

Where else in America, besides a traffic circle does the person going left have the right of way. If the person on the right always had the right of way they probably would not call it "right" of way.

Another point is once you are out of this circle you have to go back to old rules where the people on the right side have the go ahead.

I always go back to that scene in European vacation where Clark got caught in the traffic circle because he could not get over. I feel like that every day but instead of "look kids Big Ben, Parliment" I can say "look kids McDonalds, Super 8"

I will just have to live with it I guess but I really do not get why they do this.

THINGS I AM ASS-HAMED OF

I usually am very honest but there are a few things that I do keep on the down low from almost everybody. Some are just crazy but then again I might be a little crazy. I need to let them out so I figured this was a good way.

1. I secretly watch reruns of "friends" (I was a big hater back in the day)

2. I cry at the movie "Cool Runnings" (yeah the Jamaican bobsled movie)

3. I own every Kevin Bacon movie (on DVD)

4. I own all 2 seasons of "Degrassi" (if you do not know what this is just google it)

5. I could never climb the rope in high school (if you could then good for you)

6. I owned a New Kids Tape (do not remember the name off hand)

7. I never knew what a "milf" was until like a month ago (I never knew what it was but I assumed it was inappropriate and I was right)

8. I once won a fish at the fair, you know how they die in like 2 weeks, well this one staid alive for like 2 years until one summer I went home to live and I put the fish bowl on to of the fridge and we were having a party an that is where the empties were going. Ok so I went to clean that up a week later and there was the fish in the bowl dead from me forgetting that I actually even had a fish. (what pot does to the mind) sorry earl

9. I went to a male review with some friends and you know how you are supposed to but singles in the men's g-string I was putting coupons for Arby's instead (shameful isn't it)

10. I take all the junk mail that I get and I stick it in the neighbors mail box just so they wonder why they get so much junk mail.

11. I once broke up with guy after 3 months and told him that I had issues with commitment and really he was awful in bed. I mean real bad. The worst. (Had the equipment but no skill)


I am sure that I will add to this as I think of them because it is therapy for me, free therapy.

Yeah I can type!

Hi, my name is Oprah.
I hate my owner who writes this blog she must of been stoned watching Oprah when she named me.

Other than that I think I like my owner, but I am a cat and by nature I am supposed to only like myself.

I hear this blog thing is big. So I am checking it out. Yeah fucker I can use a computer. Damn what do you think I am stupid, say it again and I will cut ya. What do I have to do bring my posse to your house and dig all of your furniture and shit in your gardens . Fuck you I will. My peeps are dangerous. Ever heard of the bloods. Recognize bitch.

I almost did time once for burglary (insert joke here). Fuck you! But I have been in hiding In this bitches house. From a hard core criminal, to this. I guess it isn't so bad. Better then the joint.

Well I am out of here fuckers!! I have to go stare at nothing, scratch the big chair, lie down, get a quick bite maybe a snack if I act all cute and shit. I am telling you this bitch is so gullible, I mean I meow she gives me shit. What an asshole. Then most important thing, I will nap for like 20 hours beat that bitches.

Fuck off I am a cat.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ????

I am such a jerk I think I just fell asleep at work. But I am not sure. If I did fall asleep It was only like for a minute then the pager went off and scared the shit out of me.

Like the other day I was on the couch watching a movie and I was just starting to doze off when I hear a knock on the door. I get up and no one there. Then I realize that I am a dumbass and it was the movie.

Bed is 4 hours away.........................

SMELLS SOOO GOOD

Let me ask the women out there, because I am not sure If I am crazy or very desperate.

I was at the local feed store picking up something for a friend. I go there a lot because I like to help out my friend but I also have a sick crush on the gentleman that brings it to the car. He is I can't even explain.

But here is my question: Can a man have a smell to them that is almost like not cologne, not bo but they smell like men. It is a smell that is hard to pinpoint. Like a mixture of some faremone and unscented soap.

Well I think this man at the feed store has that smell. He is not the most drop dead hottie that I usually have secret crushes on he is just like a real man. Probably has hair on his chest. Hands are rough..shit like that.

Some men now a day spend more time in the bathroom then I do. I am floored that some men shave their armpits. That for the first time I encountered it was really fucked up. Men shave their chest, even though it looks good I like a little hair. Not like sasquatch hairy but a little.

I would rather have a man than an metro sexual I guess. I bet this guy at the store has chest hair. Just a little, bet he has arm pit hair too. He is what I would call sexy.

But anyway I am so far off topic but I don't care

Sorry about the spelling my mind is at a million miles away and there they can't spell

fuck it I got to get back to work

DUCK AND COVER

Look out everyone those crazy North Koreans are "testing missiles" I told you this shit would happen. So far they say that they are just falling in to the Japanese ocean. Well woop de fucking doo.

Is that supposed to make me feel better. All they have to do is figure out how to get them to fly a bit farther and it is over. Hell if they have nuclear technology I am sure they have some dude that is really good at making model rockets. That dude could figure how to get them to your back yard.

This is where I have few things to say:

1. If we get in to yet another war over seas god help all the soldiers over there and there families back home.

2. I know that this is only testing of these weapons but I want that cross dressing dictator what ever his name is "general tso" to come out of the closet, dude you wear more make up then Joan Rivers.

3. I was going to quit smoking but decided that was stupid because I will be smoking the fallout of a fucking Nuke with the Korean flag on it in a few months anyway.

4. If Matthew Maconahey is reading this please baby I will do anything for 4 hours with you I swear.

have a good night

SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF

Look at these 2 signs 90% of the human race knows what to do with the first sign.....That's right boys and girls then STOP.

Ok now the 2nd sign might be a little tricky, used less often and sort of comes with judgment call. But this sign is a yield sign.

This is the worst street sign ever created. This sign tells you that you should stop but we wont enforce it if you don't. This might be a good opportunity to slow the fuck down so that when you blindly look you do not cut people off. This sign has been the bane of my existence for the last week. No one ever stops at them they "yield" it like a waist of a stupid fucking sign

That is what you are supposed to do I get it "yield"

Well some people in this fucking state think that yielding means blow right by the fucking thing and cut me the fuck off.

Mostly people from out of state like these fucks from New Jersey. I know one fuck that cut me off in the state park with her big ass SUV. Fuck you bitch, do they not have yield signs in New Jersey. Maybe not but I hope that is was on the fucking test.

I live in an area of the state that gets quite populated in the summer time. I really do not care unless these fucks don't yield.

The fucking yield sign is all over the place here. I need people to stop cutting in front of me and actually almost stop at this sign. Because a yield sign there is no stopping, just yielding.

please just follow the passive aggressive sign to the best of your ability and if you don't you might see me giving you the finger and pointing at the fucking sign